Some further distillations on the season, from NTW editor and postinng drone Ovalscream.. Note: reading the following may cause dizziness or drowsiness at the wheel, or cause you to propose to that 88-year-old gal who's parked on the barstool next to you.
NASCAR NOTABLES 2009
- Jimmie Johnson and Chad "Darth" Knauss make it look easy again in winning their fourth consecutive Sprint Cup championship. Head-scratchers wonder what Chad manages to get away with under the hood of the No. 48, but actually it's what Jimmie is managing under the sheets with Winnie, the NASCAR's wild woman of trackside luck.
- Double file restarts make for much on-track messiness and closer finishes; fans love 'em but they give drivers a severe case of the willies.
- Digger becomes a national symbol of annoyance at NASCAR. Best use for the Gopher cam: track chick upskirts.
- Most notable crash: An airborne Carl Edwards nearly clears the catchfence in the first Talladega race, lands in a pile of wreckage, climbs out unscathed and runs across the finish line. Generic car and drivers 1, aerodynamics 0.
- Other notable crashes: Ryan Newman (going airborne again at the second Talladega race) and Jimmie Johnson (Texas).
- Usually in a wreck: Michael Waltrip and Robbie Gordon.
- Usually starts race but never finishes: "Back row" Joe Nemenchek.
- Jeremy Mayfield's drug-testing and ban from competition forces dozens of drivers and crew members to stow their stashes closer to the toity.
- Kyle Busch fails to make the Chase by eight points, but kicks ass in almost every Nationwide race. What's the difference? Kyle also displays a habit for harrumphing off the track after a bad finish without speaking to the media, which he much later explains quoting the words of management theorist Dr. Lawrence J. Peter: "Speak when you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." Riiiiiiiiight.
- Rankest firesuit: Sprint Cup gal Monica Palumbo's, after doing photo op duty all afternoon prior to the Coke Zero 400 at Daytona in July. Say rotten cheese...
- Miss USA Kristen Dalton models NASCAR-themed costume for the Miss Universe Pageant. Dalton narrowly beat out Miss California, Carrie Prejean, for the Miss USA crown, a gal whose augmented breasts caused her to be stripped of her Miss California title when they started appearing in nude photos and sex tapes posted on the Internet. (Note to NASCAR: Consider a topless Prejean to wave the starting flag at the next Talladega race.)
- Junebug disappears down a spiraling oubliette of crappy luck. Cousin and crew chief Tony Eury waves bye-bye from the commode, giving NASCAR a final middle finger before disappearing out of sight.
- Tire changer Jimmy Watts chases a tire onto the frontstretch during the Kobalt Tools 500, almost becoming a hood ornament and/or human rotor-rooter down Digger's track hole.
- AJ Allmendinger gets a DUI prior to the second Talladega race: NASCAR places him on probation; designated drivers for RVs, tracktor trailers and private planes multiply for oh, a week or so.
- Kyle Busch smashes trophy guitar he received after winning the Federated Auto Parts 300 in Nashville on June 6; Les Paul is not amused and soon gives up the ghost.
- Worst national anthem: Jesse McCartney forgets words to the national anthem prior to the Pepsi 500 in Fontana in October. Oddest opening act: Goth-haired and tattooed Buckcherry belts out Deep Purple's "Highway Star" to seventy thousand gawking rednecks prior to the Coke Zero 400 at Daytona.
- Oddest race: The Amp Energy 500 race in Talladega last October, which begins as a polite single-file parade and ends in royal rumble wrestling match with hapless Jamie McMurray scooting by a 16-car wreck at the finish to take the checkered flag.
- Snoozer race: Lifelock 400 in Michigan.
- Makes for snoozer races: pit row and fuel strategies.
- Snoozer end of a race: Daytona 500, where Matt Kenseth got caught in exactly the right place when the rain started pouring.
- Surprisingly exciting race as well as end to the season: Ford 400 at Homestead, with Jimmy freaking out every time a car got close to him, a six-car pileup - on pit row -- and Smoke playing High Noon with Juan Carlos Montoya.